Not everyone is as much of a megalomaniac as the world domineering Dr. Doom. After all…he does have a PhD in villainy. Yet what if you’re just an evil every-man? You’re stuck with finding resourceful new super ways of paying the bills. Have you seen the price of milk these days?! It takes no less than a death ray just to fill your cereal bowl in this economy. Does the Joker give good benefits? Better hope workman’s comp covers “pencil in the eye.” How can thugs make ends meet when Two-Face can’t afford to stay on his bi-polar meds? Our health care system…now there’s the real bad guy!

Unfortunately we don’t live in a comic book world. Radioactive accidents only give us radiation burns leading to leukemia. Hijacking armored cars filled with advanced alien weaponry is never as easy as saying Mr. Mxyzptlk. But Joe average comic book enemy certainly does live in that panel and paged world. Sometimes mundane individuals are gifted with…well… sub-par superpowers. This site needs a poorer class of criminal. I’m going to give it to them. Every dog has their day. Unfortunately these dogs happen to be the ones right in front of a barreling Batmobile.

Antonio Rodriguez was a petty crook and hopeless romantic; he sought out help for his paralyzed wife Bonita in the only way he knew – misguided trust in one of the many Marvel Dr. Mengele’s. With a name like Dr. Karl Malus, who’d expect a shady practice filled with past “copped a feel” complaints? Now broke and indebted to the fiend, the gullible Antonio pays his due by becoming a gene-splicing lab rat.

There’s countless humanoid hybrids in comics. It’s about as fresh to the Marvel universe as Aunt May’s Depends. So when you find out that apparently your spirit animal is an armadillo, it’s not exactly a morale boost. Was poor-man’s Rhino really the best Malus could do? I suppose some mad scientists have a little more Frankenstein-stoked ambition than others, but was sloth already taken? At least Kristen Bell would have loved him!

So what do you do with your new mutant? Send it on errands! After picking up eggs at the market…can you to stop off at the Avenger’s place and grab up the comatose body of Goliath? Apparently the super-sized man was the prior Guinea pig of Dr. Malus. He’s looking to collect. Of course this whole mission teeters on the word of the guy that manipulatively turned you into a monstrous light-sensitive rodent so…he’s obviously trustworthy! Yet with the incentive that apparently he won’t have the financial means to save Bonita otherwise, Armadillo does his bidding. Apparently Goliath also has a giant wallet.

As any new-found pseudo-supervillain would do, Antonio simply walks on Avengers property, challenges Captain America, and progresses to get the living crap beaten out of him in one of the most one-sided battles in Marvel history. Armadillo is literally tossing around a supped up tree filled with firing laser guns and still manages to miss the shield wielder with every swing. Soon netted and captured, he relayed his woeful tale and mission. Moved by the story, Cap offers to help.

Realizing all too late that the shrinking solution he was given to transport Goliath has burst, Cap recommends Rodriguez  just return for his payoff later. Proving yet again that he’s got the IQ of the cast of Jersey Shore, the monster literally walks hours all the way back (because there’s nothing bizarre about seeing a gigantic anthropomorphic armadillo casually strolling down the sidewalk) unknowingly leading  the freedom fighter to the lair of his creator…

Upon revealing himself to Dr. Malus, Captain America calls him out on his malpractice. A scramble ensues where Bonita’s life is threatened. Suddenly tossing his shield with vigor in a violent surprise attack, Cap breaks the evil doctors arm and shuts the charade down…for a whole minute. The doctor pleads that he’s done nothing that bad and reminds that if he’s carted off to jail, Armadillo’s wife will surely die without his aid. “Oh, no? You’ve mutated this poor fellow! You’ve threatened me with violence twice! You have a sick woman in some strange contraption! And who knows what else!” Nice but pointless spiel. Cap walks off, shamed and beaten, letting the foe go for the emotional welfare of Armadillo while leaving the readers welfare to wonder….what the hell was the point of this whole story?

Eight issues later, Captain America and Hawkeye discover that  the Armadillo is part of an unlimited class wrestling racket. With Bonita cured and his servitude over, his wife proposed the idea that he join up with the U.C.W.F. (a league where every fighter must possess superhuman strength, endurance, and resistance to injury) before he attempts to be cured. Meeting him after the match, Captain America first stumbles upon Armadillo’s wife making out with part of Armadillo’s entourage and then later is formally introduced. The greatest superhero dilemma of them all…do you tell your bro his wife is tongue-lashing the pool-boy sounding Ramon?

Soon afterward it’s announced on the radio that Armadillo is ‘roid raging fiercer than HHH. Straight out of a K-Mart Rampage knock-off, he’s creation havoc and must be stopped in super-fashion. Captain America charges into action against the now freshly heartbroken rodent, terrorizing New York out of the pain of discovering Bonita’s faithfulness. In a fit of complete unoriginality, Armadillo decides he’s going to climb a skyscraper. I can’t imagine where they got that idea. Instead of looking for solace and being tragically attacked by fighter planes, this is a much more emo Kong. Armadillo just doesn’t want to live anymore which, really, can you blame him? In a fit of panic, Cap tries to stop him with super soldier marriage counseling but alas, he’s no Dr. Phil.

Kong ends with a poignancy final line, “Twas beauty killed the beast.” Well…it’s kind of like that. You know, except it’s with a giant armadillo who somehow managed to not even die. Ever the underachiever, apparently he just didn’t climb high enough. Laying in a crater of broken concrete, he whines that he can’t even commit suicide right. At least he did manage to break something and finally live up to armadillo name…half dead in the middle of the road. C’est la vie, Antonio…

Don’t believe your eyes?  Look for the first appearances of  the Armadillo in Captain America #308 and #316.

Where Are They Now: C’est la vie!