Sony Sony Sony

 

Beyond: Two World

Starting a story with “Death is only the beginning” is more cliche’ than starting a porno with a pizza boy. For the first time ever gamers experience the life story of someone they don’t understand; a woman. Her face is so elongated and sweaty it looks like she just came out of a birth canal. I’m undecided whether or not this game attractive, which means they did a good job recreating Ellen Paige. I’m more interested in seeing how this utilization of a Hollywood actor pans out and what it could mean for the future of the industry. Vin Diesel as Kratos anyone?

 

Super Smash Bros: Playstation

I have a few character demands before I endorse this game; Crash Bandicoot, Toombo and Jumping Flash. I was enjoying myself until the kids wore shirts spoiling the Mass Effect 3 ending (Thanks a lot Sony). If I had a nickel every time the announcer said super I’d have enough money to make a game more original than this shit. This isn’t new and innovative this is Smash Bros where the Final Smash kills you. Watching this has already revealed the most effective strategy. Attack, Super, Attack, Super, Super, Super, should I use my Super, look at that Super. Jumping Flash.

 

 

“Hi I’m Jack Tretton. By bringing Playstation all Stars to PS3 and Vita we’ve clearly run out of ideas. By connecting your PS Vita to the PS3, you can play in a unique way Nintendo announced 1 year ago. Please buy more Vitas.”

Assassins Creed III

A game taking place in New Orleans, must be a weather sim… oh it’s a colonial Assassins Creed. This franchise is so out of touch with it’s identity it’s resorting to getting a sex change. Oh look, how surprising, you can link your Vita to the PS3 and get more stuff. Who knew. Buy More Vitas.  They have Hats! That’s whats new, they have hats! We want to highlight something special… hats.

 

Farcry 3

The big announcement from this game is that it’s really two games in one. There is absolutely no indication that this game is two games in one, all I’m seeing is 4 player Co-op. Please someone find players that can count properly and know how to use a joystick. I’m no FPS master but I like to think pointing the fiery end of the flamethrower at the enemy is effective. If this counts as two games in one then I’m counting all my masturbation sessions as casual sex with a shy woman. These guys must have learned math from Bioware. Buy PS Vita

 

 

“Using your PS Vita you can download unique games such as “I don’t give a shit” and “Nobody knows what this is,” You can also download your favorite Playstation One titles like Final fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, and Final Fantasy VII. Buy more Vitas. PS Vita teams with Activision for a new Call of Duty. CALL OF DUTY!! VITA!!!”

Wonderbook

This guys talking about books, at an E3 Conference! I don’t think you understand your demographic. Now you’re talking about Harry Potter… you REALLY don’t understand your demographic. Unless that wonderbook is called Modern Warfare you’re not selling any. This is the absolute worst thing I have ever seen at E3. For the love of God, if you leave right now I will buy a PS Vita. Even Harry Potter nerds would be embarrassed to use this shit. Holocaust survivors are marking this presentation down as the the most traumatic experience of their life. Fuck you Sony.

God of War

I’m writing this entire section with my back turned to the screen and describing this based solely on my knowledge of previous God of War games.  There’s a CG intro of Kratos looking angry accompanied by Athena’s voice, then it zooms in on him and the game starts. Generic trash enemies appear that have a minor difference to the normal enemies we’ve seen in every other God of War game. Kratos kills them with moves we’ve seen in every God of War game. A minotaur like monster appears, Kratos kills it with a button combo. We see a giant boss monster destroying a city that Kratos must eventually defeat, Kratos witnesses civilians getting killed by monsters, Kratos kills those monsters, a cyclops like giant monster appears, Kratos kills more monsters using a new ability. Kratos confronts the giant boss monster and jumps into it more recklessly than Matthew McConaughey in Reign of Fire. It cuts to black, people cheer.

 

 

“Playstation Suite: We’re offering a new promotional DLC where your PS3 won’t work unless theres a Vita attached to it. We are always looking towards the future, and by future we mean watching the Nintendo Conference tomorrow. Here at Sony, we have 15 studios all across the country, all of them making God of War. We have Kratos’ dick shoved so far up our ass we shit red orbs.”