I’m not sure how to start this.  So, I’ll say what I’ve been telling everybody, READ THE DAMN BOOK.  Once you’ve done that, maybe you’ll understand my utter disappointment with Fox Studio’s newest film, The Martian.

Based on the FANTASTIC book by Andy Weir, the film version is directed by Ridley Scott (Alien, Legend, Blade Runner) from a script adapted by Drew Goddard (World War Z, Cabin In The Woods). It boasts a tremendous cast including Matt Damon as main character engineer/botanist Astronaut Mark Watney, Jessica Chastain as mission commander Melissa Lewis, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Kate Mara, Jeff Daniels, Sean Bean, Kristen Wiig, and Michael Pena.  Talk about a great crew there.

The trailers were fabulous, taking a note from Battlestar Galactica and using “All Along The Watchtower” along with visions of space and action.  The visuals were stunning, the music was….ok, I’m trying to find positive things to talk about before I complain, and it’s not really helping.

I honestly feel the book itself was a screenwriter’s wet dream; a perfectly crafted story peppered with fantastic jokes that have made every person I’ve spoken to (who’s read the book) literally laugh out loud, no matter where they were.  THE MARTIAN WAS GIFTWRAPPED IN AWESOME, the perfect tome to be brought to the big screen with such a good cast and trusted expert of space opera at the helm…..and it wasn’t as good as it could have been.  Maybe that’s unfair of me to say, not being a filmmaker, and not knowing as many of the particulars about this production.

Things I’ll use as my examples are the complete lack of ongoing peril.  Sure, Mark is suck on Mars by himself, with a dwindling food source and zero prospects other than potatoes grown in his own excrement.  READ THE DAMN BOOK.  I’m sorry, I don’t know how many times I’ll be saying that, but the things Watney goes through and comes out of are incredible, and the film barely touches the surface of his capabilities as a scientist and thinker. He almost dies what, eight times at least in the book, and we see half that in the film.  I understand that adapting any novel to screen takes some sacrifices, things will definitely be cut for the ‘greater good’.  But this was too safe.  We only get one big storm on Mars, the rover doesn’t roll over (make your own Red Rover jokes here, I sure did), the fear of irreparable damage to Mark’s back, etc.

Also, the dumbing down of the science.  I completely understand not everyone wants tons of techno/astro babble throughout a film billed as “Robinson Crusoe in space”, but it’s a huge part of what made the book so believable to so many readers.  You do realize many at NASA and JPL now consider the book required reading, right?  Because that’s a thing.

I missed my Aquaman joke, the King of Mars line and of COURSE the Great Martian Potato Migration.  These are things that made me fall in love with the story, and actually care about what happened to Watney, rather than just trying to get to the end.  How great is an astronaut who when told to watch his language by NASA in text form (the guy is alone and probably gonna die, for crap’s sake) responds simply with:

OH HEY LOOK, BOOBS!   (    .    Y    .    )

Did the studio feel some of those jokes wouldn’t appeal to the majority of audiences?  I have no idea, I just wish they would have made it in.  And if I was stuck on an empty planet and had to listen to nothing but disco and ABBA, I’d throw shit out of my spaceship too.

The 3D aspect, while yes very nice, wasn’t really necessary for the film to succeed.  I did the “lift-the-glasses-test” a few times during the movie, just to see how much of a difference it made.  In all honesty, it didn’t.  Other than the initial storm at the beginning, the effect was lost.  I would have enjoyed the views of the Martian landscape just as much in plain ol’ flat-o-view.  The score was largely forgettable, not something I was expecting.

Ridley Scott remains one of the modern masters of space, and I’ll continue thinking that.  He makes it real, his ships feel lived in, every little knob and light have their place and purpose.  He knows how to make a vessel look sexy in it’s extraterrestrial environment, and I’ll forever be a disciple of his for that alone.  I’m still happy he was the director on this project, and I’ve been looking forward to this movie since it was announced.

My two favorite moments in The Martian have to do with casting and situational awareness.  Having Sean Bean in a role where he not only SURVIVES TO THE END but is a good guy is a rarity, and having him in a scene that talks about the council of Elrond is hilarious.  I snorted with laughter for the extent of the scene, much to the chagrin of my theater neighbors.

The other moment being the very end, the ‘bonus’ scenes not the in book.  I LOVE that Johannsen and Beck got together and had a baby.  But I REALLY love that Matt Damon at the end was emulating the man behind the book.  I had the privilege of interviewing Andy Weir at SDCC this year, and I smiled widely during the Watney teaching scene because I saw much of the characteristics of Weir in the styling and delivery.

While the film was nowhere near as good as I was hoping, it was enjoyable.  A celebration of what the space program can be; inspirational and the triumph of man, as well as the bonus of nations working together for the greater good.  This film SHOULD bring a level of respect (which some of us have never lost, but many have forgotten) back to the space program and everything it could mean for the future of our species.  See it, but READ THE DAMN BOOK too.