EA is a quadruple threat at this years E3, bringing out the big S’s; Sports, Shooters, Star Wars and Shit. Here at Aggressive Comix we like taking a rather aggressive approach to the way we review things. We all know if there’s one thing nerds love more than something great, it’s something equally terrible. Here’s our EA E3 Rant.

 

Madden 2013

So the new feature is I can scan myself into the game using Kinect? That’s a terrible idea. Losing online is bad enough, now you can get tackled by an army of dick-faced linebackers like some X-rated version of Waterboy. I want to scan myself as John Madden and say stupid senile shit the whole game, “You know, they’re going to need to score more points than the other team if they want to win!”

Thanks Madden

 

Battlefield 3: Premium

Oh look, it’s the pay to win for Battlefield 3! Because one $10 expansion isn’t enough, we decided to make five! Pay us money and get stuff for that thing you already bought. Oh EA… you never fail to surprise me. This whole presentation is just one big fucking commercial for premium play services.

 

Star Wars

I like listening to him talk about Star Wars like it’s a good game. He uses words like “Set a new standard” and “Biggest update ever,” I think they don’t know the difference between synonyms and antonyms; which makes them terrible at English and math. The majority of this presentation was me yelling “Tell us your sub numbers,” at the screen, which is also how I introduce myself to women.

Half of that “New Content” is already in the game; Alderaan warzone, nightmare mode. Those “New Abilities” are the Jedi Knights Cyclone Slash and a Sorcerer using an animation similar to Master Strike. Bioware makes more grandeur promises than Christianity. Which is great because like Christians Star Wars fans choose to ignore the prequels.

Look at that font, listen to that music, see those text transitions… HOLY SHIT! This is going to be epic!!

I hate Bioware.

 

Medal of Honor

So many war game shooters, it looks pretty as hell but it’s all the same shit. Shooting… Shooting… Shooting… more shooting. They spelled “Alpha” wrong, but that might have been a creative decision. More shooting… shooting… Linkin Park music… shooting… half expecting it to cut to black and say “Directed by Michael Bay”…. shooting… more shooting… it’s over.

 

FIFA 2013

They just used the word “Innovation” on screen when talking about a Soccer Game. I’m sure some guy in PR was like “If we put that on the screen, people will know we’re serious!” Their entire presentation layout looks like a DNA strand, I think this is some tricky way of getting sports fans to learn something.

Premium Services for a Soccer Game? Making important decisions? What kind of important decisions affects a soccer game? Oh, I see… hundreds of items. I’m sure we’ll have some great things like different color uniforms and soccer balls, because apparently different colors means new content.

Graphics looks absolutely terrible, it’s like watching the Sims play soccer. Although I don’t know how it compares to the older games since my only experience with FIFA was when a friend asked me to play and I called him a fag. If they want to make it more realistic and innovative they need to add a “Pussy Out” button, where you fall on the floor and cry like a girl to try and force a foul.

 

UFC

When someone says “I’ve been watching UFC since the 90s” he really means “I suck cock”

A UFC fighter just went on stage and numbered every nation in the world and Bioware can’t count their fucking subs. When a fighter who has taken more shots to the face than an Asian bukkake video is capable of remembering that many numbers you know there’s something wrong with Bioware.

 

Need for Speed: Most Wanted

Compete with your peers to see who has the highest ranking; too bad we already had that in high school, it’s called bitch slapping the kid who doesn’t have a girlfriend. Interesting premise for a Need for Speed, too bad I hate racing games. I can’t take them seriously because they lack real physics when hitting 88 MPH. Oh god, they’re interrupting the flow of game play with a stupid cinematic of cop cars getting destroyed. This is starting to look like Need for Speed: Destruction Derby. You’re supposed to be racing you stupid shit.

 

Crysis 3

Crysis 3 looks promising, and by promising i mean a $2000 computer investment. He just broke a four story power generator by snapping a metal bar in half with his hands, this guy must be on Chris Redfield level steroids. How does a super suit give arrows the ability to shoot down a fucking helicopter? I’m assuming this is what happens when Epic Meal Time chooses cocaine as its signature ingredient.

 

Conclusion: Sports games reached the peak of their innovation 5 years ago, Star Wars is still complete shit and no amount of new content is going to fix the core problems with its game play, and no amount of new (premium) content is going to make Medal of Honor or Battlefield look any less generic than Call of Duty. I miss the days when a one-time payment of 60 dollars gave me a 100% complete product. DLC is bullshit and boasting about it during an E3 press conference is even more of a douche bag move by EA. The only mildly interesting thing to come out of this presentation was the new Need for Speed and the absolute batshit craziness of Crysis 3.

Coming Soon: Sony Review.