Ok kiddies, let me spin you a yarn…

Before I go into my review for the film, let me first give you some information about it. Especially if you’ve never heard of the film before. Because you must be curious.

Cooties is a independent horror comedy film directed by Cary Murnion and Jonathan Milott, written by Ian Brennan and Leigh Whannell. Remember Leigh Whannel? He was the guy in Saw chained up. You know…the one that wasn’t formerly of The Princess Bride.

The film contains the likes of such stars as Elijah Wood, Alison Pill (Scott Pilgrim vs The World) , Rainn Wilson, Jack McBrayer and Jorge Garcia. The film had its world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival on January 18, 2014 and is scheduled to be released on September 18, 2015 in a limited release and through video on demand by Lionsgate Premiere.

Before I delve into the plot, check out the trailer below so you have some context. Long story short: Zombie….Children. 

Didn’t watch the trailer and scrolled past it? Well here’s a brief overview of the plot: When a mysterious virus hits an isolated elementary school it transforms the kids into a feral swarm of mass savages, an unlikely hero must lead a motley band of teachers to fight for their lives.

Unlikely hero? Cast of other characters? Zombies? This should start to sound familiar to most of you. The two movies that popped into my head the most when trying to isolate which films to compare it to…were of course Shaun of the Dead. And strangely enough Anchorman.

Unfortunately when compared to both of those masterpieces (not sarcasm), Cooties falls short. Very short. Hobbit short. Get it? I made a hobbit joke because Elijah Wood is one of the main stars. Tacky? Well don’t worry, they do the same thing in the movie.

As far as horror films go, I’ve got to hand it to the writers of the film. Children…are terrifying. Even when not savagely ripping apart their parents for sustenance. So some part of the film rang scary just because children (when applied to a horror theme) can be very-very creepy. However as for the rest of the film. I’d have to say…you’ve seen it before. Only this film didn’t have the proper writing to support it being any sort of decent comedy.

Sure there were laughable moments. But it feels like the writers took no chances at pushing boundaries with the comedy. As if murdering children…albeit zombie children…was funny enough. The writing is dry and reminded me of an episode of The Office or Anchorman (as mentioned earlier) only if the jokes didn’t land or actually resonate with the audience. Leigh Whannel even plays a character similar to Anchroman’s Brick. Nowhere near as funny, but similar.

Furthermore I am a child of realism. The more realistic the film, the more grounded in reality it becomes for me. And when zombified ravenous children had the mental capacity to destroy cellphones or turn out the lights – or even understand the english language, my brain starts distancing me from the environment. Their brains are literally rotting from whatever virus this film has cooked up yet SOMEHOW they’re still fully aware of what they’re doing. And their being total dicks about it.

There are some cool fight scenes. There’s a healthy amount of gore. And when a teacher finally gets the hint and starts bashing undead children to pieces, it’s definitely satisfying. With all of this in mind it could have been a cool movie. It could even still hold up as something to watch if you wanted a laugh on a random weekend when you didn’t know what to go see at the movies…however there’s one thing you should know before going check out this film.

Whether you order it from on demand, see it in a theater, or wait for it to come out on your Netflix cue…go into the viewing with the knowledge of the fact that there. is. no. ending.

That’s right. Just when things get heated. The film stops. Leaving you wondering what just happened. In short the film has good actors playing slightly over developed characters in a crisis situation that is laughable at it’s very premise. I mean….this takes place in the suburbs of America…where people have guns. Lots of guns. And somehow child zombies are still able to cause a makeshift armageddon.

As every film need a proper review scoring, I’d rank this one at a 5.75 out of 10

(Score based on school grading in which 10-5 mean A-F, and 5-0 lets you know that you may want to wait for it turn up on Netflix)