Batman V Superman has left audiences split. Frankly, I have not seen such a split since Jean Claud Van Damn’s Volvo commercial.

It seems as if the fans that support this film are ready to Superman punch it’s detractors right in the face. I mean shit, I have been reading the comments on Steph’s video and its either, “FUCK YES THIS GIRL KNOWS WHATS UP”, or, “This cunt has no idea what she’s talking about, and doesn’t know shit about comics.”

That of course, always makes me laugh. Someone gives you some well thought out points as to how something was a pile of turds and the counterpoint is “you don’t know what the fuck you are talking about”. This is always in lieu of telling us why said pile of turds was good! My other favorite hater comment is, “UGHHHH IF YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER, THEN WHY DON’T YOU DERRRRR!?” Well, guess what fuckos, we did. We actually sat around and plotted out the framework for what The DC cinematic universe should have been.

This actually occurred about three years ago, when Man of Steel first came out and underwhelmed the bejesus out of us. As Steph has said, everything Zach Synder films is shot beautifully, but unless you’re story has some fucking heart, it will not hold up. There in lies the issues we have had with these two films. #MakeDCGreatAgain

SUPERMAN 1

So here is what we actually would have done if we ever had control over the DC Universe. Ok, so naturally first film out the gate would still be a Superman film. He is the king on the chessboard. We would have nixed the sequences on Krypton and opted to revisit that element of Superman’s lineage in a future film. Our focus, would have hinged on a slower buildup. One of the things that Man of Steel got right, was it’s depiction of Clark in his younger years, and the isolation and fear that he must have experienced as his powers began to manifest. Yes! More of that, thanks.

The thing I always hear time and time again, is how do you write a movie that makes an alien like Superman relatable? I find that question completely infuriating, because you are not writing about a fucking alien. The so called alien, Kal-El, is Clark Kent, a fucking farm boy raised by Pa and Ma Kent. He has about as many emotional ties to his Kryptonian heritage as you or I would, if we found out we were an alien tomorrow. The man is more American than a red white and blue eagle carrying a slice of apple pie!

Basically, if this was really the case, then you are telling me that you can’t write a movie about a fucking human being who feels like an outsider? I. E. the plot of just about every fucking movie. Our Clark would start out like any other kid. He would be awkward in his own skin, but he would be a kind soul and he would be kinda funny too. I think people can forgot how funny Clark can be, whether he means to or not. He is like a nerd trapped in the body of a jock, with almost zero self awareness at times. However, at the same time he would be so grounded because of his earth parents. They would instill value in him and show him its ok to be afraid of all he can do. They would protect him but also give him the values he upholds as Superman; Unlike Man of Steel’s more nihilistic depiction of Jonathan Kent. Seriously Jor-El seemed way more in touch with human emotion than Jonathan.

So we would watch Clark grow and eventually head North, Hearing the call of the Fortress of Solitude. There he would learn the basics of his lineage and his presence there would allow Zod to escape the Phantom Zone. Zod tracks him to earth and his invasion of Metropolis would call Clark to action. That is where Lois would first become aware of Superman. We were not fans of how she was tracking him like fucking big foot and then just so happens to discover he is Clark Kent. Way too much too soon! Needless to say Superman will defeat Zod. As for Zod’s fate, he will die as a direct result of his failed plan and not by Superman’s hands. Now, I’m not saying lets never see Superman be forced to kill, but I think having him do it 20 minutes after throwing on the cape is a little premature. That honor should be reserved for Darkseid, way way way down the road. The film would end with Superman becoming that beacon of hope for some and an alien threat just like Zod to others.

SUPERMAN 2

The Second film would be a straight up Superman follow up. Basically, what they did with Iron Man in Marvel Phase one. Supes is our figurehead, so he gets two films, one after the other. Film 2 would open with the destruction of Krypton. We discover it was perpetrated by the planets very own all encompassing A.I. A being created by Jor-El, known as Brainiac. On Earth, in the present day, Lois and Clark’s relationship continues to grow. We are also introduced to the Lex Luthor we all know and love. The absolute genius and powerful CEO of Lexcorp.

We would explore Luthor’s inherent jealously of the red caped messiah and how his own prejudice over the alien has created a complicated amalgam of hate and desire to harness his ability. Lexcorp has exclusive rights to the remains of Zod’s ship. This would serve as an inverse fortress of solitude for Luthor. The Brainiac A.I. would be the brain of the ship and bring Lex up to speed about Kryptonians. It is here that serves as the discovery place for Kryptonite and Brainiac’s presence within the mainframe of the ship would basically load the gun and place it in Luthor’s own hand. With Brainiac’s knowledge, Luthor constructs his famous Kryptonite armor, because for fucks sake I want to see it already! They made a goddamn toy of it for both Superman Returns and Dawn of Justice and it was a giant cocktease!

Luthor and Superman duke it out. All the while, Brainiac’s ulterior motives are in play. He has demanded Zod’s remains and is trying to download himself into the corpse. Zod’s body would make a better host for the A.I., than the building blocks for cave troll Doomsday. That is a compromise I’d make and be fine with. By the film’s end Brainiac would reveal himself in his organic form, and be instrumental in helping Lex Luthor escape from Stryker’s Island. Consider this team the starting point for our Legion of Doom.

SUICIDE SQUAD

Our next film in the lineup is Suicide Squad. The Squad is called to action by Amanda Waller of A.R.G.U.S., who has been contracted by a secret benefactor to return a dangerous asset, that has escaped containment. The nature of the operation is strictly off the books. It is most certainly a suicide mission, hence Waller’s plan to put it in the hands of capable felons with nothing to lose. The mission’s success will result in their immediate release. The Squad’s current film lineup would be fine enough. What makes this team great, is the fact that it is such odd cast of characters mish-moshed together. So basically, pick and choose your favorite members who have been on the team at any time. That being said, our must haves for Suicide Squad are Joker and Harley. Waller considers Joker’s involvement “off the table”, but she is talked into it by the benefactor. The asset in question is codenamed “Parasite” and is capable of absorbing the life force of it’s victims, including their memories, and even super powers.

Towards the end of the film, The Joker does as he is known to do and betrays the team to save his own skin and obtain his freedom. A few casualties later the remaining members of the squad are able to defeat Parasite with the help of Batman. It becomes clear that the benefactor, now revealed to be Lex Luthor, never intended to have any of the Squad survive and they were merely a test for Parasite’s abilities. The film ends with Luthor tracking down and recruiting the Joker for the Legion of Doom.

WONDER WOMAN

Wonder Woman would be our next film. It would open with a brief history of Themyscira and the Amazons and state how no man would ever set foot on its shores. The film then picks up during the Second World War, with Steve Trevor’s plane crash on Themyscira. Diana and the other Amazon’s rescue Trevor and nurse him back to health. He tells Queen Hippolyta what state the world of man is in. It is decided that a tournament will be held among the Amazons as to what warrior will inherit their sacred weapons and return with Trevor to battle the Axis Powers. The final battle is between Diana and her rival Circe. Circe very nearly defeats Diana but it is revealed that she is employing arcane black magic techniques and is banished from Themyscira. Diana becomes the Amazon champion and sets forth into the world of man with Steve. During their time together Diana is awestruck at what wonders Steve’s world holds and their relationship grows. Circe’s becomes more adept at he power over magic and eventually she aligns herself with the Nazi’s, though it is clear she is only using them. Diana and her rival battle once more, with Circe using every trick in her arsenal. She turns Nazi Soldiers into various ravenous beasts and creatures. In the climatic battle Steve Trevor is killed, sending Diana into a grief stricken rage.

With her defeat all but certain, she prays to the Gods. She receives help from a very unlikely ally, Ares the God of War. She is able to nullify Circe’s magic and encase her in an Amazonian artifact. Ares and a grieving Diana discuss men and their warlike nature. Diana then travels the world like a nomad, not knowing where her true place is. The film ends focusing on the artifact housing Circe in a crowded museum. We then see Lex Luthor gazing at it behind the glass, with a smile on his face.

AQUAMAN

Our Fifth film would focus on Aquaman. I see the film, basically feeling like an undersea version of a medieval fantasy epic. King Orin of Atlantis is besieged by a heavily armed terrorist organization, known as The Black Manta. The Mantas are lead by a mysterious man bearing the same name. Orin is presumed dead in a battle with The Mantas. As a result, his half brother Orm becomes king of Atlantis. Having survived the attack, albeit missing an arm, Orin discovers a plot that his brother is at the center of. Orm is really the leader of the Black Mantas. A battle for the fate of Atlantis and the lives of Orin’s wife and son hangs in the balance. The end of the film Aquaman is presented with intel, showing that the advanced military issued weapons they were seeing, were coming from a company called Lex Corp.

THE FLASH

The Flash would be the next element to tackle… but not with a solo film, not yet at least. Instead, we would do what, frankly they should do if they gave a shit. We make it a TV event that directly leads into the Justice League film. The Flash TV series is one of the few current DC properties that is not broken. Grant Gustin is nailing Barry Allen and I think after three seasons the character is his and he has earned the right to bring the scarlet speedster to the big screen. With this past season exposing us to the DC Multiverse, connecting the Flash TV series to the film universe makes plenty of sense. One such advantage to this, is the fact it will cause a MASSIVE spike in the TV series viewership and vice versa. In the extended episode, we would see the return of the Reverse Flash.

As Barry is battling it out with his nemesis, the resulting trauma in the speed force creates a similar storm to the one created during the particle accelerator explosion. The battle will culminate with Wally West getting zapped and Barry and Thawn breaking through the speed force into another earth. This earth of course is the DC cinematic universe. The next season of Flash would see Wally take the mantle of the Flash for his world and Barry Allen’s Flash would become the Flash of the cinematic universe.

LEGION OF DOOM/JUSTICE LEAGUE 2 PART FEATURE!

My first Justice League Film would be 2 fucking parts… YES WHAT?  Two parter to cap a phase one?! Yes and here is what we do. First one would be called, Legion of Doom and the second would be called, wait for it…Justice League. So Legion of Doom would be an adaptation of the famous DOOM storyline. It would actually center around the villains as opposed to our heroes, who we see take more of a back seat in this tale. We showcase their evil genius, as they unite to destroy their nemeses based on their various motives; greed, jealousy, vengeance, and just wanting to watch the world burn. In this iteration, Brainiac is able to hack into Batman’s computer and discovers a file, which illustrates how to incapacitate every hero known to the current world. Batman never takes chances, so if these godlike beings in the news ever go rogue, he has a contingency plan in place. The heroes are all getting pegged off one at a time. The newly formed Legion target Bruce Wayne in Wayne Manor. He is about to be killed, when suddenly, The Flash makes his debut. Since he is new to the universe, The Legion has no plan on how to nullify him. This makes him the x- factor for the heroes. Bruce is now in a panic. He sees a breaking story on the news, that Superman is dying in the street after being shot with a kryptonite bullet. He runs to the bat cave. Now the perspective switches and we start to follow the heroes. Batman with help from The Flash is able save everyone from the Legion. A battle ensues culminating with Brainac/Zod entering the fray.

JUSTICE LEAGUE

Our Justice League Film, aka 2 hours of fucking epic. As the battle continues, Brainiac becomes stronger and stronger. Unfortunately, his “Zod meat suit” being dead and all, is starting to deteriorate. Just as The League thinks the tide of the battle might be turning, he redownloads himself into the Kyrptonite suit. Thus, he begins merging with Lex. The resulting combination proves to be immensely powerful. Brainiac/Lex starts CRUSHING everyone in sight. The movie’s climax would be our tribute to Justice League unlimited, essentially it would play out like this.

Only this time they would not be able to pull Flash back. Instead Barry would vanish once again but not before the new storm leaves behind a new Flash. Lex, who is now in prison, is in withdrawal from the power he had while merged with Brainiac and is desperately trying to find him. Lex’s search through the reaches of space would directly result in contact with an even more powerful entity, a being known as Darkseid.

Que phase two, mic drop. Take notes DC. You are welcome!

 

If you want we can work on a phase 2 as well. Just short notes it would include The Lantern Corps for sure.

P.S. if you don’t like this idea we will not get butt hurt if you slam it because we do not care. We just know that the group of us here would watch the hell out of this.

Article Co-Written by both Rich Cassidy and Dom Davis