Yes, I have actually sat through all three of the 50 Shades films now, BUT NOT BECAUSE I PURCHASED A TICKET.  The third film in the….franchise….based on E. L. James’ series sees the completion (praying.emoji) of the ‘story’ of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).

If you have forgotten, the idea for the series originated as Twilight fanfic, one that somehow became a huge deal, probably by the same fanbase that launched the sparkly teen series into the bestseller’s list.

There was something pleasant about 50 Shades Freed– the knowledge that the series is done, and that there will not be another that I’ll have to subject my senses to. I called the second film 50 Shades Darker a ‘tepid accident’ in my review last year, and also said it was better than the first film, which isn’t saying a whole lot.

I could pretty much use all my prose from that review, more of the same uninspired sex scenes, more feeling like this was actually meant to be a Cinemax after hours softcore attempt.

The film picks up with the wedding of Steele and Grey, pretty nice dress too, I’ll admit. They go on honeymoon in Europe, there’s some notable moments of her ‘defying’ his wishes, and being punished.

My big complaint- the tagline for this film is “don’t miss the climax”, and as far as resolution goes for action?  It’s a big f*cking letdown.  The main character gets slapped, not punched, but SLAPPED twice in the face, and then kicked in the stomach while on the ground, and yet they end up in the surgery ICU?  All of a sudden, everything is fine after this, no explanation of what happened to the ‘bad guy’ afterwards, etc.  Just seemed….poorly thought out, but I dunno why I was expecting anything resembling a plot.

SCORE: 1 OUT OF 5, would not see again, unless it’s got RiffTrax.

THE GOOD-

Her wedding dress, the cars are nice.  There is even a few seconds where you believe that maybe Dakota has a personality, shocking, I know.

THE BAD-

The. Entire. Thing.  Read this list, and do those these things instead.

Also, if you absolutely HAVE to see this movie for whatever reason, here’s a handy drinking game guide from Delish which we like to call “50 Shades of Alcohol Poisoning”:

50 Shades Freed opens in the theaters Friday February 9th 2018.